There are Many Santas in My World

“There are many Santas in my world” were Leo’s words to me last night. A random statement made while were cuddling on the couch and watching a Peanuts movie called “I Want a Dog for Christmas”, or something like that; a bittersweet choice considering Leo wants a doggie very badly, but knows that he cannot have one until we get a house someday. For now he will have to make due with a constantly molting hermit crab and some goldfish.

During the commercials Leo was fidgety and in my face, obviously because he is sick with a cough and cold and was exhausted and needing to be put to bed. The ultra talky and philosophical Peanut gang didn’t help matters. For some reason I didn’t feel that I could execute my mommy powers and put him to bed before the movie had ended. I guess I just didn’t want to deal with the tantrum. What a wuss.

Anyway, to get back to the multitude of Santas inhabiting my child’s imagination. I didn’t interrogate him as to the genesis of this idea, I just responded with an engaged but passive “Oh”. Not so much because I wasn’t curious as to the thought process that gave rise to this realization, but because whenever he makes such completely and unselfconsciously adorable statements I try not to gush or make a big deal. I just inwardly beam gratitude to the heavens for this gem of a kid. Such brilliance!!

Okay, enough of that. You get it. I love my kid and think he’s a genius. (You had to be there, I mean writing it down doesn’t do it justice, it was the way he said it- with his little voice and nonchalance! So damn cute!)

Will the Real Santa Please Stand Up?

Obviously the multiple Santa observation can be interpreted many ways. There is the most basic fact that there are Santas everywhere you turn this time of year. Thinking back on this last weekend alone, my son witnessed at least three different Santas in three different contexts, two on the same day. Not to mention the myriad Christmas cartoons and claymations featuring Santa on TV. There’s mall Santa, in front of the supermarket Santa, and the ubiquitous Santa of advertising. Of course none of them are identical. Each Santa has his own specific motivation. So of course on the most basic level Leo would come to realize that this world is inhabited by not just one Jolly Old St. Nick, but many different version of the dear Father Christmas (including the fat lady Santa at the Zoo’s reindeer romp).

There are also aspects of this mysterious man of the night, not all of them jolly. Santa does have a dark side… the Us and Them/ Naughty or Nice false dichotomy Santa. Does anyone remember what a bastard Santa was to Rudolph in the old school “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” stop motion movie from when we were kids? I didn’t remember that Santa was part of the pack that rejects Rudolph for being different, but then conveniently changes his mind once he realizes that he can exploit the freak’s talent. It also didn’t dawn on me as a youngster that Herme the Elf who wants to be a dentist was making a not too subtle argument for queer rights. Maybe I just tuned it out because I didn’t want it to be true, the part about Santa being a racist homophobe. I guess Santa is like America, the way Chris Rock describes it… “like that uncle that molests you, but then puts you through college”.

Having a second childhood as a parent can be very disturbing at times. It really forces you to face the sickness in which we are embedded. It can also be so liberating. I can see things now through the lens of experience and the strength of my years. I now have the ability to reject the old paradigm and can choose to raise my own child with awareness. Screw you, you old fart, and your fascist regime. I’m moving to the land of misfit toys!

The Physics of Santa and the Gift of Gratitude

I remember the multiple Santa hypothesis from my own childhood emerging around the age of 8 or 9. It was less an attempt to reconcile the inconsistencies, as it was to bargain for another year or two of belief. My theory: that since the physics of Santa was an impossibility, there must be a different Santa for every neighborhood. Oh the things we concoct to hold on to our dreams!

But Santa is such a beautiful dream. He is worth fighting for! The Santa of “T’was the Night Before Christmas”, the jolly old elf with twinkling eyes, is the Santa I feel the most affection for. Like the mischievous Amelie, he wants to surprise and delight and spoil. In our sugarplum dreams he brings warmth and abundance in the dead of winter, when people are feeling cold and barren. He brings a sense of hope and wonder. In the dream he brings magic to all children all over the world. Jingling his bells he brrrings, brrrings brrrings, brrrings, brrrings, toys and joy across the sky and around the world in one glorious night.

Then one catastrophic day it is taken away… that moment is a flashbulb memory… the “where were you when Kennedy was shot” moment of childhood. It came to me in the form of “Katy, do you want to help me fill the stockings this year?” Oh the humanity!! But for so many lucky children, there are 8, 9 maybe (if you are really pushing it) 10 years in which it really is real!! And the glorious ritual, that day of all days, is worth it. It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all…

Forgive my sentimentality, but I can’t help myself. Living with Leo, It’s a Wonderful Life, everyday. The other night while Leo was taking a bath:
Leo: “Mommy, is Christmas Santa’s birthday?”
Katy: “Christmas is Jesus’ birthday.”
Leo: “Who is Jesus?”
Katy: “A man who lived a long time ago. He taught people to love each other.”
Leo: “Me yuv him.”

I hope… I know that the Santas in Leo’s toddler world are mostly kind and virtuous, that the Billy Bob Thornton version remains a mystery, and will remain so hopefully until he is in high school and appropriately cynical. I know that Leo knows the truth on some level, but on an even deeper level the truth is that Santa is real, and that it is not just a single man, but that we are all Santa. I hope the naughty or nice thing translates to an appreciation of character and a sense of justice, not intimidation or judgment. I hope that in every dark winter of Leo’s life the Santas of his world bring him all the good things he deserves; love, acceptance, encouragement, and respect.

Thank you to all of you, my Santas, for bothering to read these words, and for encouraging me to continue this blog. All my love and encouragement right back at you!!

“Merry Christmas to all! And to all a Good Night!”

(Give yourself a Hanukkah/Christmas Gift... Do something you’re afraid of!! Smile and wave at a stranger on the street!! Sing out loud!!)