Chill Out, Freakday Mama!

Okay- it's been a few months since I wrote the above post (ignore the dates). I have since learned a few things. Child development is a nonlinear process; 2 steps forward, 3 backward, 4 steps to the side, 3 diagonal chasses ..."then do the pelvic thrust! it really makes you insa-a-a-a-aaane!!!" (pardon the non sequitur)

Anyway, let's just say as a general principle you should not let yourself become too attached to any of your child's talents or interests, unless of course you want that child to promptly reject them. Is that fair? Is Leo rejecting his talents just to piss me off, or am I just an overzealous, overbearing mother who needs to take a chill pill and back off? Most likely (alright, definitely) the latter.

I have to confess my disappointment that Leo's gymnastic development might have peaked on his first class. I have had to abandon my delusions of grandeur for more realistic expectations: for example, that Leo not poop his pants during class, or that he not push his freinds off the balance beam. This is where he is at, at the moment. We are not in communist Romania, and the Tootsie Roller coaches are not Bela Karoli. In class several weeks ago he was told by his coach to "sit with mama until you are ready to listen."
Later on I had to sweep him up and leave class early after he spat on a classmate. Yikes. Did he sense that Mama was overly emotionally invested and was he rebelling? Was he overtired? Was it that there were too many children in class that day? Was the fact that Daddy was videotaping for out of town relatives throwing him off his game?

Of course these are rhetorical questions. The answer is yes, yes, yes and yes. Perhaps a chill pill is called for, but basically it is just another lesson learned. Motherhood is still awesome, but I need to step back and remember that the activities he is involved in are about HIM, not me or my pride. It is okay to feel pride, okay to praise him after a job well done, call Grandma (in front of him of course) and brag, but beware. Beware of gung ho high fives, beware if you notice yourself muttering intensely "stick it... stick it!" while your 3 year old is unselfconsciously tumbling and bouncing around like a blissed out chimpanzee, beware of greedy thrills (that's my boy! that's my boy!) and beware of the fantasies (in my case, the 2020 Olympics... your case maybe Harvard? Carnegie Hall? The White House?)

Pride is a slippery slope, and many wonderful kids turn away from activities that bring them great joy and satisfaction because of the twisted karma of their parents. Even if I don't say a thing, Leo senses my competitiveness. He is telepathic and empathic. In a single glance he will read my face and take in all of the acceptance or rejection that I have to offer. Small children are not able to say "screw you and your f***ed up priorities." I can't just change my words and actions, I have to change the way I think. I want to change the way I think. I want Leo to be a success, but what does that mean?????? Is it important to me that Leo excel in gymnastics? Will that make him a success?

It is all so ridiculous!! Why should I expect Leo to "stick" a landing when I couldn't do a cartwheel after 8 years of weekly dance classes that ended with "cartwheel time". I still get hot in the cheeks remembering the weekly humiliations. Is my goal for Leo to surpass my own gymnastic inabilities? Is that unattainable cartwheel still haunting me, and am I unconsciously passing this regret on to my child? Is Leo's sense of unconditional love from his mother interchangeable with a cartwheel? Jheez Louise. Scary thought.

We took 2 weeks off from Tootsie Rollers. I am hoping to go back this week with a fresh start. I will remind him to go potty beforehand, I will sit quietly in the stands and smile during class, and I will let him tell me how he feels about his class afterwards. And if he doesn't push or spit on his friends, I will feel so proud!!